Hmms (thoughts) very early on the Eve

I have things to write about tonight (early morning). It's vacation. I'm graduated. I've been robbed. Other things are happening in my life, too, that I might write about later on.

I'm up late and my mind won't shut off because it's not used to this much daily inactivity. I'm up late because I'm home for the holidays and we're all night owls. All of us. It's 2:45 am now and I think I'm still not the only one awake.

So, what do you want to know about, graduation or my house being robbed?

The graduation happened first. It was spectacular. I woke up, still stressed from an insane week of finishing school, walked through frigid winds in too-thin clothing to stand in line for forty-five minutes, and then sat for an hour and a half while a person gave a speech about something and they read off a million names. The most memorable part of the ceremony was...actually not at the ceremony, but waiting to go to the Colosseum. A girl standing opposite me in another line flatly refused to move where they asked her to move and UPD was called. She was apparently adult enough and responsible enough to be in that room, but I and the rest of the people in line with me had serious doubts. Poor girl. I should give her the benefit of the doubt.  Maybe she wasn't just selfish and obstinate. Maybe she was suffering from acute anxieties that caused her to be extremely rude to whomever spoke to her. Maybe...     I've got nothin'.

The best part of my day that day was sitting at my house with some of the people I like best in the world until all hours of the afternoon. The best part of my night was sitting around a fire with some of the people I like best in the world, listening to funny stories and a guitar.

That was last Saturday, but Tuesday was also a day full of adventure. It began with an exciting ride to h-ville with Tamara, then I had tea and an exciting conversation in Subway, and finally it ended with watching Inception and filling out a witness report. I don't even want to talk about the robbery, actually. It's unpleasant. But I will. Things are no longer in my house that used to be there--very special things--and that's disconcerting and sad, to say the least. Or, the way I feel about it (surprisingly), to say the most. It's only disconcerting and sad. And even that is rapidly passing.

The coolest thing about being robbed is realizing that my treasure really isn't here on earth. It's really not. It's not something I just say because that's what followers of Jesus say. How cool is that? It's way cool. I'm glad that I know that now, I'm glad that concept has been tested in me. This was the first time I've ever had something stolen from me and so it's been the first time I've had the chance to examine myself in this way. It's no coincidence, either, that I read that day in Acts about the early church not caring a bit about possessions but selling all they had and giving the money to the Apostles to apportion as there was need. My things were not asked of me. It was not my decision to relinquish them. But if the choice had been put to me, I hope I would have given them joyfully. Instead, I get to give them up in my heart and remember that I have given up my rights in this world; I have no right to "stuff". I get to remember, too, that everything that I truly hold dear cannot be taken from me by any power of hell or any scheme of man, praise the Lord.

These are some of the things going through my mind the last few days. Only some ;)

Just because I'm kind of proud of it, my final Picasso paper:

I didn't take much proofing time, so, if you see errors, don't tell me until at least a week from now because I just turned  this in today and I wouldn't be able to handle it :) Sometimes it still blows my mind that I can speak as much Spanish as this, and other times I reread what I have written and despair that I don't speak it better. C'est la vie.

Laura Craig

SPN 470

Dr. Mallen

12/11/10

Mis sentimientos y pensamientos del magnífico Pablo Picasso

Es la verdad que, cuando una persona empieza a aprender un tema, la información pasa por su propia visión del mundo.  La información que la persona recibe, aunque es la misma información que el reste de la clase recibe, tiene un efecto singular en cada persona porque cada persona juzga la que recibe a través de la red de sus propios opiniones, creencias, y sus sentimientos individuales.  Durante todo el semestre, yo recibía mucha información de Picasso y cada día de clase la información me obligó a pensar en mis creencias personales.  Yo preguntaba día tras día de clase, cada vez aprendía algo nuevo de la vida de Picasso o de sus obras de arte, “¿Cómo coinciden estos sucesos, o ideas, con mis conocimientos?”  Me interesa mucho esta forma de aprender y voy a regresar a esta idea luego. 

He aprendido mucho de Picasso, al final del curso, y he aprendido mucho de mi vida personal a causa de lo que aprendí sobre Picasso, también.  Al principio de la clase, lo que me afectó lo mas fue la conferencia sobre la muerte de la hermana de Picasso y las cuales que su muerte cambió en la vida de Picasso.  Me fijara mucho en dos cosas que la  muerte de Conchita cambió, o que desarrolló, durante mi estudio de la vida de Picasso: su relación con Dios (que afectaba todo, en mi opinión) y sus ideas y miedos de la muerte.  El afecto de la enfermedad de Conchita  empieza a ser evidente en las pinturas de Picasso cerca del tiempo que se muere en el siete de enero.  La pintura de La fillette aux pieds nus (OPP. 95:003), que Picasso empezó a pintar en el enero de 1895,  muestra un gran sensibilidad de la vida de los pobres.  La cara de la muchacha está llena de la sabiduría del mundo que está más de sus años jóvenes.  Es como ella puede ver dentro de los mentes de los espectadores y también como nosotros, como los espectadores, podemos ver el mensaje de su cuerpo “Yo conozco la privación; he sacrificado mi niñez para vivir.” La pintura muestra una idea del mundo que no es pintoresco, es real e imperfecto.  Picasso, de una edad joven, aprendió que el mundo y la vida no son cosas perfectas.  Él pintó la muchacha con los ojos largos y desequilibrados, y con los pies grandes y deformados para ilustrar sus sentimientos de una vida imperfecta, una existencia que no está siempre justa o fácil, y para ilustrar una vida en que los inocentes sufran, como Conchita y como la muchacha en la pintura.

Pienso que uno de los beneficios de la muerte de la hermana de Picasso fue que Picasso descubrió una compasión y una empatía para la humanidad.  Estas le permitieron ver mejor el sufrimiento en el mundo, como la tragedia siempre da a las personas que tienen corazones humildes.  Sin embargo, lo que los beneficios fueron en la mente y vida de Picasso, el impacto de su muerte se rompió más de lo que agregó.  El impacto se creó un miedo de la muerte dentro de Picasso que asediaba por el resto de su vida.  También, Picasso tenía sentimientos de culpabilidad sobre el suceso porque hizo un ofrece a Dios por la vida de su hermana.  Le ofreció a Dios su vida de pintor, la cual era lo más importante a él.  Es interesante que, cuando una persona está enfrente de una situación o consecuencia muy mal, muchas veces se haga un ofrece a Dios, como un sacrificio, a cambio de la que no quiere.  Es interesante, también, que el ofrece que Picasso hiciera no fue algo pequeño, pero fue la cosa más grande e significativo que pudo sacrificar.  No obstante, se parece como él tenía la idea que la muerte de Conchita fue, en parte, por su culpa.  Es posible que su ofrece no fuera tanto sincero como dio a Dios, pero no es posible saber seguramente.

El miedo de Picasso de la muerte se expresaba mucho durante los años del hombre joven con las pinturas de los arlequines.  Los arlequines son los mensajeros de la muerte pero están vivos.  Se llevan costumbres de los payasos, y pintan sus caras, o, también, se llevan las máscaras para ocultar sus caras.  Picasso estaba fascinada por los arlequines y su relación con la muerte, especialmente después su mejor amigo Carles Casagemas se suicidó—la segunda muerte que afectaba mucho a Picasso.  Su pintura Au 'Lapin Agile' (OPP.04:031) representa un arlequín con una mujer que es, probablemente, Germaine, la ultima amante de Casagemas.  Para entender la significancia de la presencia del arlequín con Germaine, es necesario saber la historia de la muerte de Casagemas y la parte Germaine tenía en el suceso.  Ellos estaban amantes, pero las dos personas tenían dificultades con la depresión, el alcohol, y las drogas.  Se especula que Germaine iba a dejar a Casagemas, entonces Casagemas le disparó a ella e inmediatamente después, se suicidó con la misma pistola.  Sin embargo, Germaine no murió y ella y Picasso mantenía una amistad, aunque Picasso estaba muy inquieta sobre la muerte violenta de su amigo.  En la pintura, el arlequín es Picasso.  Es posible que esté el arlequín porque, otra vez en su vida, se sentía responsable, de algún modo, de la muerte de una.  También es posible que, sin la amistad de Picasso, Casagemas hubiera muerto mucho antes porque Picasso cuidaba a Casagemas como era su hermano menor.  De todas maneras, Picasso no se sentía como así y usaba la figura del arlequín para expresar sus emociones.   Él trataba de escapar la muerte en sus obras de arte y aunque ésta es algo de sus colecciones primeras, no es una excepción.  Picasso no tuvo la capaz de salvar su hermana por el sacrificio del arte, entonces trató de salvarse a sí mismo por el uso del arte.  Para él, fue una manera de controlar la muerte y crear una vida que quería. Por ejemplo, un año antes de pintó Au 'Lapin Agile', pintó la famosa La Vie (OPP.03:001), que es algo como una vida alternada con una Casagema vivo y una Germaine embarazada con su hijo.

La idea de crear y manipular estaba muy seductiva a Picasso.  Siempre pintaba las mujeres en su vida en situaciones o con actitudes  que le gustaban—Fernande Olivier con un bebé (Homme, femme, et enfant  OPP.06:129) aunque ella no podía tener hijos y tampoco no quería ser madre o esposa, Olga Khokhlova en el vestido de España y sentando en una actitud recatada aunque en realidad no era de España o de una personalidad recatada (Portrait d'Olga dans un fauteuil OPP.17:008) —y siempre retrataba la muerte, también.  La retrató  muchas veces con los arlequines, pero hay la muerte en caso todos de sus obras porque le encantaba mostrar la tensión entre la vida y la muerte.  Por ejemplo, Course de taureaux: la mort du torero (OPP.33:094) describa el torero, el caballo, y el toro y las tres representan y maneras diferentes la vida y la muerte, y todos están luchando siempre.  En Guernica (OPP.37:001), se puede ver la compasión que tenía para el sufrimiento de la gente y, en este suceso, especialmente para la gente que se muere en la guerra civil de España.  Otra vez Picasso utilizó las figuras del toro y el caballo en Guernica para representar el contraste de la vida y la muerte.

Pienso que la vida de Picasso estaba gobernada del miedo; estaba gobernada del miedo do las cosas que no podían controlar, como la muerte, y del miedo de no vivir la vida que tenía.   Cuando yo estaba aprendiendo de la vida y las obras de Picasso, tenía mucha simpatía con él porque yo sé que es para luchar con un miedo, y también un miedo que nació de los remordimientos de conciencia—un sentido de culpabilidad que permití a romper mi relación con Dios.  Donde no hay Dios, el miedo puede ser el rey sin oposición.  Porque yo veía la vida de Picasso por la red de mis conocimientos y experiencias, identifiqué con él y pienso que he sido capaz de aprender y entender más si no aprendiera así.  La única diferencia entre yo y Picasso es que Picasso no encontró la libertad de sus miedos.

And that is how it's done. You can do that anywhere, at any time.

Adventure, high school essay-style

Introduction

Sometimes the adventure of living is real enough to me that I believe it is an adventure, but most of the time it passes me by and I don't recognize it. Adventures are, more often than not, plodding down a road not knowing what to plan for or what to do except place one foot in front of the other and deal with the mundane things of life. 

Two examples:

• Example #1

Did you know, or ever think about, what it was like to be a sailor?  I am in love with the idea of sailing on a real ship someday.  I grew up reading books like Kidnapped and Treasure Island,  and later The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle. I read a lot other places on ships and what it was like to live on them.  Between daring exploits of plundering or defending plunder, and in between squalls, were calm seas, itty bitty living spaces, and nothing to do for weeks and weeks at a time except to go through the motions of caring for a ship, like swabbing the decks and keeping the rigging in good order for the moments when it would save heir lives.  Times like these were what led captains to worry because tempers would run high and discontent would infect and flourish with lack of distraction.

• Example #2

When Ron, Hermione, and Harry set off on their glamorous quest (I'm going to try not to spoil things for any of you who haven't read/watched these stories, so don't be very afraid), eighty percent of their time was spent sitting around waiting to either figure something out so they could move forward, or waiting for something to happen to push them forward.  They were becalmed. They had nothing to do except go through the motions of everyday living.  Of course, they were always ready for what could happen, but the minutia of life frustrated and angered them.  They couldn't move forward or go backward and it was easy to waver in determination, easy to loose their tempers, and easy to find things to complain about.  And this was their adventure.

Conclusion

This is life.  What stands out in our memories are the exceptionally good or exceptionally hard times.  Those things are what get written down in books.  But the hardest part of life and the most trying times in stories are the moments that don't get much mention.  Days and days of schoolwork or long hours on your shift, week after week of eating nothing but Lembas bread, sleeping in a cold prairie, noisy dorm room, or lonely apartment, and fighting to remember why we do the things we do and who we do them for when it seems like there's no point to anything anyway.  This is just as much a part of the adventure as the climb to Mount Doom or the mission trip you hope to take next summer.  Don't forget it. You'll miss out on good stuff that prepares you for the memorable times.

But I forget all the time, which is why I love epic movies and stories.  Try reading Colossians, or another one of the short books, in one sitting.  Sometimes it helps to forget about the early church context and remember that it's also a personal letter to you, too.  And marching orders.  And the big speech before battle and the debriefing after.  And...a letter, like I already said :)

The end

Some music for your auditory and visual pleasure

"Death In His Grave"
John Mark McMillan

Though the Earth Cried out for blood
Satisfied her hunger was
Her billows calmed on raging seas
for the souls on men she craved

Sun and moon from balcony
Turned their head in disbelief
Their precious Love would taste the sting
disfigured and disdained

On Friday a thief
On Sunday a King
Laid down in grief
But awoke with keys
Of Hell on that day
The first born of the slain
The Man Jesus Christ
Laid death in his grave

So three days in darkness slept
The Morning Sun of righteousness
But rose to shame the throes of death
And over turn his rule

Now daughters and the sons of men
Would pay not their dues again
The debt of blood they owed was rent
When the day rolled a new

On Friday a thief
On Sunday a King
Laid down in grief
But awoke holding keys
To Hell on that day
The first born of the slain
The Man Jesus Christ
Laid death in his grave

On Friday a thief
On Sunday a King
Laid down in grief
But awoke with keys
Of Hell on that day
The first born of the slain
The Man Jesus Christ
Laid death in his grave

He has cheated
Hell and seated
Us above the fall
In desperate places
He paid our wages
One time once and for all

Dual Credit

This is "Ma Jolie". I did a presentation over it not too long ago.

Are any of you familiar with Picasso? Did any of you know him personally?  Do any of you have his art hanging on your walls?  Have you ever taken a semester long course all about his life and works?  (Oh golly, quelle class!) << name that movie reference for extra credit >>

Well, if weren't able to answer yes to any of the above, then I hope you get the bonus points I just offered because I don't have the time to give a lecture right now. I know a lot about him, though, believe me!  You can study him all on your own here.

My professor's awesome. He knows tons of Picasso facts and he let us English speakers write our in-class essay tests in English!  He gets my vote as far as teaching goes and this post is not a criticism of his abilities. It's a criticism of mine.

I have this problem.  There's a filter in my brain that causes me to focus on information in my professors' lectures that to them is a minor detail.  For example, while I don't doubt that Byron's Manfred is simply brilliant and says oodles about whatever the Romantics had to say about life, all I think of is how the wretched guy wanted forgiveness and didn't go to the right places to get it.  My lit professor at the time didn't see this as a significant point.  In my cultural geography class (this is a field of study I find hard to explain, but it's fascinating), I saw how the phenomena of graffiti originated because the writers had a desperate desire to be known and to let the world know they exist. (Sound like Anyone Else we know?) My professor there doesn't disagree, he just hoped that I would take away something different from the video.

Sometimes I get so lost in what the material shows me about the human condition that I don't see what I am supposed to be learning until my teachers point it out to me bluntly (after I have raised my hand and answered the question, wrongly, for all to hear).

None of this bothers me.  I kind of like it, even, and sometimes I get kind of smug (which is wrong). I realize that I have knowledge my teachers don't have. I realize that I had the ability to better understand Milton's Paradise Lost as an untaught freshman than some scholars who have studied it for more years than I have been alive.  It shouldn't make me smug.  It should make me sad, probably a little angry, and mostly determined.

But I digress.  PICASSO.  Oh, that man!  Sometimes he makes me want to cry for his pathetic plight and other times I wish he were still alive so that I could shake him until he decided to fall to his knees and ACCEPT THE TRUTH.

Today we watched a video detailing one of his crucifixion paintings.  Look it up, if you want. I was frustrated, to say the least, of what this Catholic-raised man had made of it--he knew better. I was saddened by everyone else's ignorance. And then I got angry about the grotesque elements involved in its creation--namely, the many studies Picasso did on the subject.  Don't look them up.

I was so irritated with the whole lot of them (Picasso, the dumb narrator who pronounced "grimacing" as "grim-ACE-ing", my professor, and all the other people in the world that think he's just the bees' knees) that I was on a righteous tirade in my head to God.

And then, the boom-snap.  The, "Oh dang."  The, "Dude."

In other words: the conviction.

As the narrator talked about the many grotesque and blasphemous studies he said something like this: "It's really like looking at the journal of what Picasso was going through at the time, struggling with his faith and everything that was going wrong in his life."

Crap.

His journal.

I have a journal and I don't always write glorifying things in it.  Stupid pride.

That word made me remember that Picasso was a real man. He was a man in need of Grace and Mercy, just like I am in need of them, and all the while he drew those things and painted those things and went from woman to woman to find satisfaction in life, God was there the whole time, loving him, pursuing him, being sad for him, and always ready to forgive him.  When I thought of things that way, the sad irony of Picasso's crucifixion painting made me love Jesus even more, and it made me remember not to be so judgmental.

It was a weird and humbling moment when I identified with Picasso and I didn't really like it. But it made me remember that this whole class is really all about one man's struggle with not accepting the grace and lordship of Christ in his life and the consequences he and others suffered because of it. That makes it kind of ministerially relevant, doesn't it? How funny that I get college credit for it, too!

I don't really know what my professor wanted me to get out of the video or the painting, but his test isn't the one that concerns me the most :)

Without further ado: Arizona, Part Deux

I know, I have been remiss in my posting duties.  This school year started off with several bangs and lots of transitions and, well, my blog certainly took a back seat.  As it should have :)

The following is my portion of the update letter from the Arizona mission trip.  I apologize that it has not gotten into the mail yet, but it will soon, and I also apologize that you will have already read half of it when it does :)  Robert's section is probably much more interesting than mine, though, so make sure you read it! (when it comes. which it will. soon.)

Here's the letter:

Although I went on this mission trip last summer, my time in Arizona this summer could not have been more different.  We stayed with at the same church we did last time, and worked with the same missionaries, but the kind of work we did was stretching in a new way.  Instead of working on the camp grounds to make it ready for the people to come, we worked during the camp to minister to the people.  Our physical, emotional, and spiritual limits were all tested and pushed and I know that our whole team, one by one, came to the breaking point in which we had to fully rely on God’s strength in us through His Holy Spirit.

The work I did on this trip was not the only thing about it that was different for me.  My role on the team last year was very simple: go, do what you’re told, and do it with a Godly attitude.  This year, I worked closely with our team leader, Emily, who is the same age as I and a steadfast woman of God.  Because of this, I glimpsed the leadership side of a mission trip on a much more personal level.  I have worked before at Conroe Bible Church as a youth sponsor and I also spent this last school year leading a small group and God began, during these times, to teach me things about our relationship.  One of the lessons I have been learning most is that of loneliness.

While I experienced the wonderful fellowship that comes with serving on a mission team, the experience this year was different than it has been before.  I left for Arizona with Emily a day earlier than the rest of the team in order to help her prepare for our trip into the White Mountains.  I learned practical things like how to tip hotel shuttle drivers and rent vans, but I also learned that being a leader is lonely.  This is not a bad thing.  Loneliness is good for us because it means we are experiencing something that only the Lord can share with us and that only the Lord can understand.  The loneliness I learned as a small group leader is that the burden I carry for my girls can only be understood by the Lord and on the mission trip I learned that leadership means that one is separated from the rest of the team by responsibility.  Because I was only helping Emily I did not catch the full brunt of this, but it was very healthy to learn.  It made me check myself and my attitude and ask, “Why am I here?”  There were lots and lots of moments when Jesus was the only One working with me and I was tempted to feel left out or afraid until He reminded me that this belonged to us and us alone.  I am thankful for loneliness and thankful that He allowed me to share in His work among in the Apache Nation.

Another thing I have been learning over the course of my life is that God is sovereign.  That is a fact easily known and a concept not easily understood.  It seems like once I understand His sovereignty in one area, I quickly discover another in which I do not understand.  The way the Lord brought His sovereignty to my attention during our time teaching vacation Bible school at the camp in Whiteriver was to show me His warriors.  Most of the children we loved on came from broken and hurting families where they were often hurt by their families.  Some children I could only pray for but I had the privilege to join with others in prayer.  I was astounded by the spiritual burdens some of them had for their mothers, fathers, brothers, and sisters.  To see their hearts was encouraging, saddening, and humbling.  I was at once angry that they were in these positions and hopeful for the rest of their nation because of where they were.  I realized that God has called them to be a light in this world in a way that I have not been nor likely ever will be called.  I learned that He is not afraid to give young children His Word and send them out to fight for His Kingdom.  I was awed by the faith I saw in them and encouraged in my walk by their determination. 

Some children heard about the Lord for the first time.  One morning, I had the honor of doing the craft and I shared the plan of Salvation with them in small groups through making wordless book bracelets.  They had so much fun making them and listening to the story I told for each bead.  I know the Lord will use the missionaries there to continue to teach them those truths.

The love God has for these Apache boys and girls was made abundantly clear throughout the time we were with them and I am thankful to have been able to be a part of sharing it!  Please keep them in your prayers and thank you again for partnering with me in this.  May God bless you richly!


Here are some pictures that you probably won't see in the mailed letter (it's so exciting!):

We took this on the way back down the mountain.  It was too amazing to pass up!

 We played lots of relay games with the children.  LOTS of them.  The best one was Drip Drip Splash which has the same rules as Duck Duck Goose, except in this one a cup of water dumped on your head means you're "it". Remember it for next summer.  You won't regret it.

 For the worship time and game time the younger ones would come and hang out with us.  Trevin was a hoot and a half :) Just ask Molly, Rachel, and Mariah who worked with the preschool

The preschool.

 Frybread and beans is a staple meal on the reservation.  You don't even know how good it is! I'll make some for dinner sometime and invite you over.

 Just like any VBS, we had to first learn the songs. The theme was "Jesus Is My Superhero." Can't you tell?

 The guys were so holy.

And then they threw water balloons at us... With help and instigation from some Apache boys at the camp.

 Molly was a devious pro.

I think she must do this a lot in her spare time.

One morning the sound equipment took too long to get set up, so we improvised.  I loved it :)

On our last day in the White Mountains, we went to the movies!  It was fun to chill with everyone after working so hard.

We had the best hosts ever at the White River Assembly of God church!  I love the Jimenez and Warwick families!  Thank you for the opportunity to serve with you, and thank you for taking such good care of us!  I am in awe of what God is doing through all of you.

I owe all my picture gratitude to Mariah Straughan :)

Once upon a time in

Arizona....

My blog began with a post about it, and it has made recurring appearances in my life. Hmm...

Have you ever noticed that God doesn't let us stay in our comfort zones? I mean, if we are willing to follow Him, He doesn't. Sometimes we stay in them anyway because we are unwilling to grow. When that happens, sometimes He lets us ignore Him for a while before making the world go all topsy-turvy on us. It's good for us to stretch; it's healthy. Ask any fitness instructor. Heck, ask God, because He invented muscles and He knows all about stretching. Can you imagine what it would be like doing a warm-up routine with God.....? Yeah, if you got a weird mental image of sweatbands and stuff then we were totally just in the same place. Thanks for sharing that semi-awkward moment with me. I appreciate it. I mean, I really feel like we're closer now than we were before. And I really hope God doesn't wear sweatpants in the big RL (<-- "real life").

Moving right along.

So, this post is really just a teaser post. Know why? I bet not. Want me to tell you? Aw, you're so sweet, of course I'll tell you!

Reason number one:  It's late, but half of my brain still thinks it's only midnight, which makes weird things come out of my fingers onto the keyboard and then onto the screen.

Reason number two:  I really do have a super-cool post in mind that I want to write, but I got sidetracked by the new template designs, as you can see by my new and rad page.

Reason number three: I can't, in my current mental state, effectively relate all the stellar points I want to make and drive home the many "Dude, God did this" moments, so I want to wait until later, when I can.
                                        (crap.  i just talked myself up so now I have to bring it.)

Basically, the whole point of this post was to work out the kinks in my unused typing muscles and let everyone who reads this know that I am back and just itching to write!!!!!!!!!! (and just so you know, my face doesn't match those exclamation points.  I'm like, totally dead-pan right now.  Kinda makes me want to lol and such.)

Buenas noches!

sooooo i'm leaving for my missions trip to AZ really soon! Like in a few minutes! So please pray for me :) and pray for a parking spot, b/c this is ridik.

derrivation of deserving

what we (any human being, you) don't deserve: apologies. forgiveness. love. loyalty. friends. any good thing.

what we (I, you, everyone else) deserve: the eternal separation from anything which can bring bring hope, relief, comfort, rest, peace, self-worth, any good thing.

Death is too small a word to define what we deserve.

what we (all of mankind, including you and me) have been offered: purpose. rest. help. forgiveness. loyalty. friendship. love.

In short, grace (getting the things we don't deserve) and mercy (not getting the things we do deserve).

(I, you, he, she, them) we all have to give up our rights--because we don't have them to begin with--and when we do, we will find that what we get in return for our surrender is far better than the things we tried so hard to hold onto and demand, but never really got.

This is what you get when you make friends with an English major...

I don't know how proficient your Middle English is, but I've just undergone a semester of reading nothing but (except for a brief foray into Geoffrey of Monmouth's HRB, of course, which was translated, and all the Spanish I read in my other three classes).  I think my favorite piece of literature was...  Duh.  The one with Gawain.  I've always loved Gawain.  Even when he went through his beheading stage...  But this semester I was also introduced to Havelok the Dane, who is a pretty awesome guy even if he is a bit lacking in personality--but who can blame him?  I mean, if you had had to go through what he went through, you might not have much personality, either.  And then there is Troilus.  Sigh.  Oh, Troilus.  You're almost the perfect man, but not quite.  If only he had told creepy Pandarus to take a hike.  But, Troy was doomed anyway, so, there wasn't much that could have been done about it.  Gawain still takes the cake in my book, but I don't know who would win if he and Diomedes got into it...  Thoughts?


Anyway,  back to the point.  I know you'll all think I'm really smart and stuff and just showing off my expensive education, but that's only half of what I'm doing.  The other half is this: that in a very random string of links, I came upon this poem.  It was what I needed to hear at the time and even a day later and not at my wits' end, it's pretty darn amazing.  If you don't want to wade through the weirdly spelled words, I won't blame you, even though the gloss is pretty thorough.  I will blame you, though, if you don't re-google the title and find a better translation to suit your non English-majory taste.  


Be careful.  This poem might just blow your mind clean out of your skull:


In a Valley of This Restless Mind



Stay tuned for "What you get when you make friends with a Spanish major..."

Sometimes I feel like...

...I have to lassoo my brain.  I'm trying to write a paper (which is typically when I get the greatest desire to blog, because I shouldn't :), but instead of just thinking about what I want to say and then saying it, my brain won't.  It's not that I don't want to, exactly.  It's more like it tries to go every direction but there.  Like, small group tomorrow (crap, I need to email my girls!), those verses I need to get for my friend (and isn't that more important, anyway?), and I wonder if Tania can hang out some time this week, and Johnna, and Tina, and Candus, because I really haven't gotten to see them much (I should call them asap so we can get together before the semester is over!), my room is really due to be straightened up (is that pile the clean clothes, or is that one?), and I haven't gotten to talk, really talk, to Tamara in AGES (which is totally my fault, ihml).

And after I calm myself down about this crazy to-do list that was not that pressing ten minutes ago and that I actually have other time set aside to do, then there's still some invisible film my productive thoughts can't push through.  I think that part is fear.  Because, what if I try to think about my paper, and I can't?  Haven't you HEARD of writer's block?  It's a very real and scary thing.  I've had it before.  And then, what if I do get started and I get stuck half-way through? What if I can't make some of my points and have to start over?  What if I CAN'T get started?  What if that stupid, hateful, First Paragraph just doesn't come into existence?

Do you see what I have to put up with?

P.s.  I have a theory about research papers that I will share in another post.  It has revolutionized the way I think about life.  Well, not ALL life, just the part of life that houses research papers and their various friends and family.

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/Lllarda

Lofty thoughts and language on a Thursday morning.

The world is asleep.  Some of us have been awakened but even still, we fight with half-closed eyes in this dream world full of living dead.

It's like The Matrix.

It's like.... Narnia.

It's like the real, unreal thing that this reality is--life.  But a pseudo life without the Truth.  A plodding of the Asleep through moment after moment of a grudging and resigned acceptance of nothing better.

Sometimes they are closer to being awake in their dreams than than they are with their open eyes.  The stirring to believe the dream of something better, that inward soul-cry of "I was not meant for this!", has been squelched.  It hurts too much to hope.  It's too painful to consider that indeed we are not meant for this, to entertain the beliefs that pain is an abomination, loss an affront, and fear the repercussion of a debilitating disease.

The squelching begins in childhood almost as soon as the questioning.  Children are always more awake but the world and its small-minded ruler deny them their better dreams and they put away their childish wisdom.  There's no Aslan, no Neo, no The One, no Something Better, only this life and sometimes the grief of hoping without real conviction. 

The trouble is, like my someday friend Mr. Lewis said, that the dreams and desires and hopes that can't be satisfied in or by this world are proof that we were not made for this world.  There is something better.  There is hope.  Pain, suffering, loss, and fear bewilder and offend us because we were not made to accept them.  We rebel against injustice because we were made by Righteousness.  We detest oppression because we were created for freedom. 

Even the awake ones, like me, have to remember this.  This life is reality, yes, but only to the extent that we can see the Ultimate Real in it.  If you can't, even after you have been awakened, then watch out!  You are succumbing again to the lullabies of this lying world.  Remember that those most precious, terrifying feelings of hope that a great, healing adventure exists are preludes to the day when the Awakened will hear the words of the Lion  "The dream is ended: this is the morning."

There are two kinds of blank pages in this world. The kind that may be filled with what you want, and the kind that must be filled with what someone else wants.

One more thing: when i was eleven and read about Sir Gawain for the first time, i had no idea so much of my time and energy would be focused on him in college.

I know it makes sense for libraries to smell good, because books smell good, but seriously, libraries...smell good. Now i'm going to stop sniffing and write.

The fact is, we just don't have enough facts!

If you can name the movie my title came from, I will give you one blog dime.  Ten blog dimes equal one web dollar.  Ten web dollars don't equal anything.

I have missed my blog!!  I really have.  No, really.  I HAVE.  The fact is, it WAS the end of March.  The fact is, it IS the beginning of April.  DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?!  (And I mean other than wearing flip-flops, for which my toes are grateful. oh and, be tea dubs, I have not set a "writing in all caps" quota for this post, so expect a lot of random YELLING.)

Well, if you haven't yet guessed, it means than I and all my other college pals are ABSOLUTELY STRETCHED.

SOOOOOOooooooooo anyway, don't feel left out because NONE of my electronic connections are getting much attention these days, not even my Facebook.  I mean, I still haven't updated my status from YESTERDAY.  I know.  RI-diculous. At least I think it was yesterday.  That's another fact.  Days sort of all blend in together this time of the year.  I was sitting on the couch with my three roomies discussing important brain-dead matters like words that begin with the letter 'm' in Greek and so on and so forth and then I suddenly could not decide if I had spent several hours in the library computer lab toDAY, or, YESTerday.  (It was yesterday, when I last updated my FB status...I think.)

Honestly.  I'm not myself.  Don't be insulted or worried if you can't determine the point of everything I have just said, either, because there isn't one.  Except to say that this is me, hanging my "will return in..." sign in my blog window.  If you really need me, I will be spending my off hours staring at the wall in hopes of recovering my lost brain cells.  They're difficult to catch because they only speak Spanish and they all have names in the imperfect subjunctive tense.

Do you have ANY idea how late it is?  You should be ashamed, keeping a young, studious woman like me up to such a late hour.  And don't you DARE attempt ANY grammar or spelling corrections to any of this in your mind or in your comments.  I promise I will read this when I am actually awake and cringe dutifully at them all.

Some things: #1 It's weird to go to Market Street. #2 I rebel and wear a t-shirt when i go. #3 It's funny/sad to watch dads run helplessly after their toddlers.

This just in from my amazing roommate Candus: "I keep my glasses from Avatar in my purse at all times, just in case something 3D happen."

Motivational Blogging: How to Study at Starbucks

#1: Open laptop.

#2: Try (unsuccessfully) to log on to the internet (i.e. Facebook).

#3: Give up and write paper heading and open book.

#4: Tap on keyboard expectantly.

#5: Think about whether or not to get a drink.

#6: Look at the book for inspiration.

#7: Get a drink because it will help you focus.

#8: Suddenly become obsessed with blogging about this experience by text.

#9: Give in and send one (also unsuccessfully). 

#10: Buckle down and finish the assignment so that you can get home and blog about this experience the old fashioned way.

THE END

It's a snow day after all...

Bitterness would equal completely gone if my classes had been cancelled earlier like I had wanted them to be, but as far as school days go, it wasn't so bad.  Sure, I had a take-home test to turn in and got a butt-load of homework assigned for that one class alone, and sure I had a quiz over the correct uses of por and para, but all of my classes let out early and this is what I got to walk home/drive home in! 

Please note Mr. Tumnus over there with his SHSU umbrella.  He hangs around Evans all the time (I actually have a class with him, but don't tell the paparazzi). 

I did not know until now how much snow can accumulate on a hoodie.  This is nothing compared to what I looked like by the time I got to the library.  I was a Sam Houston Snowball.

I am thankful beyond words for my (GREEN AND WHITE POLKA-DOTTED) rain-boots!

...---"""---...

I like (me gusta) when class ends early, Yoplait yogurt, warm feet, and reading in bed on cold, wet days.

I don't like (no me gusta) walking through the cold rain when it should be a snow day, homework, cold toes, finishing good books, and people who don't get sarcasm (okay, I like the person, just not their sense of humor...)

This post is sponsored by Dr. Koeninger who let class out early.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to finish Haveloc.

I'm going to make this short and -- .

No, really, I am.  I promise.  This is not going to be a long post.

I'm tired.  I should either be sleeping or studying, but who has the mental capacity to do either of those at 11:42pm?  Not me.  I'm too sleepy to concentrate on not my native language and too full of thoughts to actually sleep.  But I don't want to share any of those thoughts with you.  I just wanted to complain about my predicament.

IT HAD BETTER DAD-GUM SNOW TOMORROW.

Come on, SHSU!  Cancel those classes.  You can do it!  I believe in you!

What's going to happen if East Texas continues to have snowy-ish winters?  Will the state quit cancelling school for them?  Oh, dear.

BUT PLEASE, STATE, GIVE US TOMORROW!

How about this: You be Sir Gawain and I'll be Penelope. That's called a metaphor.

Everyone who knows me well knows that I infinitely prefer a well told shoot 'em up movie to the latest chick flick.  I'll take Bond, James Bond over What Women Want any day, especially if he's Sean Connery or Daniel Craig.  (From Monte Carlo with Love, anyone?   I tried.)  Also, if there's a combination of action and sci-fi, or action and, say, Middle Earth, I'll be there in two seconds flat.  That being said, I am also more than a little obsessed with Jane Austen.  I know, it doesn't make sense to me, either. (Well, it has to do with words, so it kind of does make sense...)

I had to preface this post with that paragraph.  Something inside of me insists on rebelling against pink, overly-priced purses, and froo-frooness (speaking of words...).  I've had to face the facts a long time ago.  I am only just now learning what to do with my hair, my nails will probably never be more than just presentable, and I really don't know that much about fashion except as it pertains to me and what I feel I look good in.  My favorite color is green, my second favorite is orange, and though I find the romanticism of Win a Date with Tad Hamilton adequate on a surface level, what I really long for is a gun (cross-bow/sword/nun-chucks), a mission, and someone to execute it with.  I really think this is what all women want.

But I am not going to get lost on a rabbit trail of how women are not the adventure itself but a partner in the adventure.  (For more wisdom and insight into that idea and more, read Captivating.) Well, maybe I am, but not in the way most of you (my old and new small group girls and those friends who have been around long enough to hear me rant) have heard before.  Because today, I had a revelation.

I feel sort of silly writing this.  I feel silly because this is the second time the Lord has shown me something through a CHICK FLICK.

I have wanted to re-watch the movie Kate and Leopold for several weeks now, and I haven't had time to do it.  This morning I had an empty apartment and took some sabbath time (see previous blog post).  The revelations I had during it were more like reminders than anything.  Maybe even more like exhortations.  Maybe it was a wake-up call.  I don't know.  How about I just tell you already?

Do you know the premise of Kate and Leopold?  You should watch it.  It nicely combines science fiction and love story, and after watching it for only the third time ever, I noticed deeper channels that I doubt even the writers and directors fully understand.

First off, Leopold is from 1876, and Kate is one of us 21st century women.  Through an interesting series of events, Leopold enters Kate's life, and this is what he shows her: gentlemanliness.  Not the simpering, cordial small talk kind of gentlemanliness.  I'm talking respect, honor, graciousness and courage.  The whole chivalric shebang.  He honors her simply because she is a woman; he honors her when she has done nothing otherwise to earn it. In fact, her primary behavior discourages it.  He is the first man to ascribe this kind of intrinsic value to her, and it changes her.  Basically, there is something divinely right about being what the Lord had in mind for us to be, both men and women.  Watch the movie with this in mind and I think you'll see what I'm talking about.

The second and significantly less pronounced is the state of the nurse at the mental hospital where the character responsible for this time-travel is trapped.  As he fervently explains what he knows to be true, her desire for something spectacular, for the existence of something grand and exciting, for...adventure, is evident on her face.  Clearly she has been trapped in her "there IS nothing more than this provincial life" way of thinking, and he sets her free.  Is there anyone who cannot relate to that? And is it sappy and quasi-TV preacher of me to say that it was kind of...beautiful?  Yeah, it probably is.  But, oh well.

That's the whole gist of it.  That is how my morning was spent.  I was being reminded of the Sacred Romance (which also happens to be a book title), of whom I am called to be, and what real men look like through a chick flick.

Hello, real life!

"Coool iiit..." "Chilled."

SOOOOoooo we've been talking a lot this semester about the sabbath and what that means.  Interestingly enough, my friend Tamara has also talked about this on her blog, too.  Coincidence?  I think not!  I think that when God is trying to teach us something, he doesn't limit His communication to one mode or method.

Twice in the (amazing) resource group I am a part of we have discussed this topic.  I like it so much that I decided to chunk around some ideas about it with my small group girls, too.

The primary point I want to make is that God rested on the seventh day not because He needed to but in order to, as Lindsey, one of my brilliant girls put it, set the example for us. Exodus 20:8-11 NIV:

⁸ "Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. ⁹ Six days you shall labor and do all your work, ¹⁰ but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your manservant or maidservant, nor your animals, nor the alien within your gates. ¹¹ For in six days the LORD made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy.

  It's pretty simple and straightforward, right? But also kind of mind-bottling, right?  He knew that one day people would live in a culture in which rest is looked down on and business and work glorified.  Notice that in these verses He focuses not on the six days full of labor, but on the rest.  In a sermon we listened to that I can't remember the name of, the man suggested this was because the sabbath--rest--is the key to labor.  I agree with him.  This is an excerpt from an email Eli S and the rest of my campus pastors got from Winkie Pratney when he asked for his thoughts on the sabbath:

Nerves don't break down, they just tell the truth. Nervous breakdowns mean that people are pushed to more than they can cope, and that even good stress becomes bad stress. Muscles cannot be stressed to build them without a break - - - a rest in between reps. But Sabbath was made for man and not man for the Sabbath. Unlike God we do not have an infinite source of power, wisdom and creativity in ourselves. Even Jesus told the disciples to rest. God took a break because He knew we would try to copy Him and eventually die young without a break in our excitement to get more done. While too much sleep brings poverty, not enough rest can take you out of the war completely.

 And now, another point.  What the heck IS a sabbath these days?  Certainly its not a puritanical sit-up-straight-don't-smile and think-only-about-God day.  Winkie and the sermon we listened to suggested that on our sabbath days (because there is no longer a universal day of rest.  Sundays are especially not sabbaths for those involved in Sunday church ministries) we should take a break from what we normally do.  For example, if you spend all week working out your mind, it might be nice to do some kind of mindless task with your body.  I have it on good authority that Eli Gautreaux spends his sabbaths making knives because it's not something he has to think deeply about or be relational with... not gonna lie, that kind of freaks me out....  But you get the idea, right?  Do something to refresh your mind.  Do something that will also refresh your spirit and draw you closer to the Lord, because really, that's where we're going to find the most satisfying rest.

And you should know that I need to practice what I'm preaching!  It's so easy to say and so hard to do!  It's more complicated than it should be because, well, because of stupid sin.  What this looks like for me:  If I want to make my sabbath be Friday, then I need to make sure that by the time Friday comes around I have been diligent in my work so that I can take a break (and I'm a procrastinator deluxe..well, a recovering procrastinator deluxe.  I should give God some credit for ameliorating my character even though I have a long way to go).  And then, on Friday, I need to be intentional with my time.  It's tempting to lie around all day watching mindless TV and never make any plans (I hate making plans, by the way.  plans stress me a little), but honestly, when that day is over (I've spent many days like this) I always feel like I have wasted my time and I really don't feel that refreshed.  I do, however, need some veg in front of the TV time.  Ideally, I think I would feel most refreshed if I knew I could sleep in, veg in some way, and then spend some time alone with God and go on a walk or do something physical but not strenuous and taxing.

Wow this turned out to be waaaaay longer than I ever thought it would and I don't even have pictures!  But, I warned you back when I began this blog that my rants might go on forever (probably because I don't like planning things, especially writing).

You should check out my title inspiration (and also this quote from the inspiration) and then watch this corresponding video.  Trust me on this, it will make your life better.

Valentimes is serious times... + lots of random links :)

Can I just say that I am soooo thankful for the way I was raised?  (Why yes, yes I can, because this is MY blog.)  I am very thankful for the way I was raised.  My parents are so stinkin' awesome it's ridiculous.  For instance, I have ALWAYS enjoyed Valentines day.  You wanna know why?  Because in my family it was never just about one's significant other.  It was about everyone you loved.  Besides that, it was a like a mini Easter because we all got candy from everybody, and even occasionally a present.  (The Craig family loves any excuse to have a holiday celebration.) So, when I think of Valentines, I don't think of smooches with boyfriends (ew, gross), or bunches of red roses, or even sappy chic flics (Braveheart, anyone?).  I also don't get angry that I don't have (and never have had) a Valentine.  (Okay, maybe a little annoyed...)

Now, please don't think I am being all high and mighty since the rest of the single world tends to feel differently than I.  I totally understand your bitterness because, dang it, that is the propaganda that Hallmark and their constitients (this is a quote that I didn't misspell, btw) have been shoving into our brains since we were old enough to watch TV.  The only reason I escaped is because my mom would spread out the red, pink, and white construction paper, hand out glue, and chunk some stickers, glitter, candy, and markers our way.  Then my brothers, sister, and I would get crackin' on making those cards.  Boy howdy did we make some awesome ones!  They weren't just the piece-of-paper-folded-in-half kind, either.  Usually we got creative with making pop-ups, heart-shaped flaps with messages underneath, and paper pockets full of (chocolate) candy.  Our cards were veritable labyrinths of Valentinian delight.

Okay, maybe I have gone through a few bitter stages.  I should be honest and say that I haven't been a jolly Happy Couples Day enjoyer every single year, but for the most part I have had fun.  Especially when I get to be with mi familia.  

I didn't get to be with my actual, blood related family on Valentines this year, but I did have a pretty sweet adventure with some sisters of mine at Sam.  My day began with pancakes a la Johnna, and then we snuggled up with Sophie (her miniature schnauzer) and spent the day with Mr. Darcy, a la Colin Firth.  If you're single on Valentines, this is in no way pathetic, I assure you.  No margaritas or wine coolers were involved and there was only one dog and no cats.  Just pancakes and some chicken fricassee, which I cooked!  Yes ma'am/sirree-bob that's right.  I cooked something that called for things like "Fines Herbes" and "mace."  The website is totally awesome and I will be going there often. Johnna spruced things up with some fried pickles and iced tea and was my moral support during the ordeal of new recipe making.


Later, six of us from my resource group, plus baby Shane, went to Houston for yummy Vietnamese food.  Next time I am getting Pho because Mandy's was appetizing and fun.  There was a jungle of tantalizing green things (including fresh basil leaves) and a steamy bowl of soup. Then she mixed them... 

This has changed the way I think about soup:

We wanted to go to a really authentic place but we got there and discovered it was closed (sad faces, please).  Instead we went to a cool place called Kim Son which turned out to be kind of delicious and rife with funny waiters.  The only drawback was that we were in the direct line of the front door which faced north.  This would not have been a big deal if a super windy cold front had not been blowing through with hurricane force.  

After dinner, we visited Daniel.  Wow.  Someday I will attempt to write a blog about what it's like to go and see this man.  He's sort of like a pastor, sort of like a prophet, but definitely full of the wisdom of the Lord.  He also happens to be very good friends with my campus pastors so I am pretty much excited about that.  Anyway, that is a story for a later date and an earlier hour.  My brain is tired (which will account for my repetition of words) and after talking so much about food, I am also a little hungry.  All this to say, my Valentines day was one of the best ever and I am so thankful that I got to spend it with so many people that I love.

Good night everyone!

Check out my title inspiration!

Hope you enjoyed that :)


Now check out my friend Tamara's blog because I love her to death and she is worth knowing about. Kthanks.